Easter Sunday. & other ramblings of my brain.

Easter doesn't mean much to me anymore. I remember when I was little and grandpa would make me go to church with him way too early in the morning and I would dread it. Now my grandpa barely even makes it to church on Christmas. Things are so different now. My family is so spread apart these days. Mom's in Mesa, dad's in Gilbert (not like he was there when I was little), and me and gramps are on the west side of town. I'm really proud of my mom for making it all the way out here today to see him and then took the initiative to come eat at my work. She usually comes down kicking and screaming, but it was her idea this time. I was also reminiscing earlier this morning about how I wish my mom still made me an easter basket because Sara'a mom still does for her. And then when they came in to my work she had one for me. It was such a small gesture, but it seriously made my entire day. I miss having my family around. I almost miss living at home where things were simple. But of course everyone has to grow up eventually.
Life is difficult these days. I haven't felt this stressed in a long time. I don't even know what it is. It's like everything all mumble-jumbled together inside my head causing me to want to scream and cry and sleep forever. Ugh. I feel like it has to do with school and where my life is going. Which don't get me wrong, it's going well for the most part. I mean I have a great boyfriend of almost six years and we have two great dogs and our apartment. But one downer is he wants us both to do this program at Pima to become Occupational Therapy Assistants. And as great as that would be and money-wise it would benefit us when we start to settle down, I still feel this pang in my heart like it's not truly what I want to do. I still, more than anything, want to do the vet tech program at Kaplan. Animals are my passion and I really dislike people so I don't know what to do. I would love to go to school with him and help him so that he'll be successful, but then I'm thinking, "What about me?" Everything has been about him and helping him succeed. I sometimes feel like he wouldn't be able to do school without me here to push him and it's exhausting for me because I need to focus on making sure I can do good in school. I feel like he's made me so lazy and I hate it. I used to be so organized and excited for school. I feel like if I went to a different school and did my own thing I would start to feel happy again. I've just been doing so much thinking lately and my dad has been pushing this whole "live life to the fullest" crap and maybe he's right. Maybe I'm not living my life to it's full potential. I'm smart enough, I could get my bachelor's and do something else. But that's the thing I don't know what I would do or what bachelor's I would get because ASU doesn't even offer anything I want. I wish I lived in like Oregon or something where I could have pursed Marine Biology. I don't think I'm smart enough to become a Veterinarian or anything, but I wouldn't mind settling for Vet Tech.
I also keep going back and forth with whether Randy is who I want to settle down with or if I am missing out on something else. He is great, but sometimes he acts like he'll never grow up. He doesn't treat me like I picture I should be treated. I feel like I'm just living with my best friend. Like sometimes there is no attraction there and that is so hard to admit because I do love him and I could see me having his babies, but then again I think what if I continue to be unhappy. It hurts so much to think about that kind of stuff. Maybe I just need time to myself. Maybe we're around each other too much. Maybe too much of a good thing is bad. So many maybes and not enough for sures. Sometimes I think people see me as having everything together and that my relationship is great, but nobody, not even my best friend, knows how I'm feeling and it's hard keeping it all in.
And then there are times when I'm like why am I complaining Randy loves me so much and would do anything for me and that's what I need. And being an OTA would  be awesome for my future and I love working with kids. My mind can not make up its mind! Weird. It's the most frustrating war going on up there. Back and forth.
I wish I could just turn my brain off sometimes.
Here's to tomorrow.